Your Star
by ThePhantomOfTheSilentOrchestra
Summary: Tittle from Evanescence song, my first fic on new account. Kames slash, a bit angst-y. Oneshot. Please read! James notices something different about Kendall and confronts him; he can always count on the Knight to follow his star, wherever it leads.


**A/N: Hi, this is my first fanfiction on this account. I used to have a few stories, but I stopped using my other account. **

**I know, this isn't such a great story to start with as it's 1AM and I'm dead tired and it's a little short, but I like the last four pages of it. It was going to be a lot longer, but I'm dying to post something so I'll probably expand and repost this. But it's pretty good for now, or at least I hope. Reviews would mean a lot, especially since I haven't written freely for a year.**

**Oh, the tittle is the song "Your Star" by Evanescence. I suggest checking it out after the story, because it's a good song and goes with the ending a bit.**

**Thanks!**

"Shut up!" James cried out in frustration, his voice raising an octave high as he slammed his book-bag onto the granite countertop. "Just stop fucking talking you annoying prick!"

The whole walk home from school Carlos would not stop talking, chattering on and on and on about _everything_, to the point where the pretty boy had had it. Carlos immediately shut his mouth, staring at James with wide, innocent brown eyes threatening to spill any second. Kendall, who had James's hand, squeezed it gently for a moment, trying to calm his boyfriend down.

"James!" Logan complained in defense, his own boyfriend ran off into his room with than tears. "What the heck was that?" He asked in anger. His face was reddening as he was mad- something that always embarrassed him.

"Leave me alone, Logan!" The pretty boy responded, dropping the blonde's hand and dashing to his room as he heard Logan stream a list of complaints to Kendall.

For two months, James was upset with his boyfriend. They had been together for two full years in a week and were serious about it. At first it was perfect, Kendall was always loving and gentle and kissed and made love to him. They were so in love that it was no surprise to James when he found Kendall hiding an engagement ring, but he kept it a secret regardless. His days now went with him being forced to wake early so they could get it on in the shower. It was the only time each week where he was intimate with Kendall, though the things in the shower were never loving. It was harsh and fast, and for the rest of the day James got no soft cuddles or hugs. But it was something James accepted; how could he not when this was the only thing he got now?

Most of the Palm Woods knew they were together, but Kendall didn't seem to care as he gave away James's special smile to any slut. He felt unloved. He knew they were drifting apart, slowly. At first, James tried to deny it. After all, Kendall always used to tell him they would never break up. But it was two months of no love. And James was so broken inside that he resorted back to cutting. He had been doing it for years, but one day Kendall found out and made him stop. And gradually, he did, because Kendall made him stop by admitting he was in love with James. And that was all James needed to hear.

Him being upset was an understatement. That's why when Kendall opened the door to their shared room, James chucked a pillow at his head, deciding to be mad instead of depressed again. Kendall yelped and glared at James, who was laid out on his bed. It was weird, because the two always used Kendall's bed to the right of the room since he had the softest blankets.

"What the fuck?" The blonde exclaimed when James simply glared back.

"You know." Was his only answer, before turning back to the men's fashion magazine he had been trying to focus on. Kendall paused for a minute, pondering what his boyfriend meant. James had had a few of these little fits, so the leader knew it was probably something he did.

"What, James?" Kendall questioned after a few minutes. He had not done _anything_ to get a pillow thrown at him.

"Why've you been so cold to me?" He asked quietly. He daren't look up to see Kendall's expression; he was aching deep in his chest, like tears locked inside his chest, and he couldn't bear the thought of finding anything but sorrow in his love's eyes.

"What do you mean?" Kendall asked slowly, slyly, gauging the brunette's facial expressions.

He knew he hadn't been too loving with James in awhile, but he had not a clue of what was going on in the boy's head. He thought he saw a glistening in the misted, doe eyes. That caused a flutter in his stomach; this would not end well. Upset James was dramatic James at his best.

"You don't kiss me anymore or tell me you love me. I can't hug you, and do you know that before was the first time I held your hand all week?" James broke off, letting out a deep shaking breath. He had still not looked up to Kendall. "All we do is have sex- and you're not even loving then."

Kendall didn't answer James for so long, he thought he had left without a sound. James looked up and saw the blonde there, thinking at him.

He didn't know what to say or do. It _was_ true; the leader never showed him any love. But it wasn't because he _didn't_ love him. Kendall had loved with James for eight years of his life, and those feelings hadn't vanished. James was his first everything, holding that place in his heart.

"I...I get it, Kendall. You don't want me anymore." James finally said, and even he knew he looked heartbroken. He had never, ever wanted to come to a point like this with the blonde but now that he was there he had to let Kendall be happy. He loved him that much.

"James, it's not that, it's just..." The shorter boy shook his head, unable to express his thoughts. "I still love you, but we haven't been the same for awhile." And there it was. The words that made the brunette go numb. He had never expected him to _except_ a breakup- Kendall always promised him they'd always be together.

"No, _you_ haven't been the same for awhile." James managed. He figured later he might fight with his...his _ex-boyfriend_, but now- he couldn't think, it was too surreal.

"I know, James. I'm sorry about this, really." James just nodded.

"I still love you, Kendall, you asshole." His words were cold now, because in his mind he already knew what he would do about this.

James would never live without having Kendall, his one true joy in life. Even if it meant eternity in flames, so be it. Kendall knew what James was capable of doing to himself.

"I'm sorry. I love you too, just now how I did." The blonde said softly, making James grimace as he recalled the ways he used that tone to profess his love.

"Can you do me a favor, then?"

"Anything." This was automatic, something Kendall had said to James for so long now that it was second nature. It made Kendall let out a small smile.

"One last kiss? I'll never bother you again." James figured if he was to never see Kendall again, he needed a last kiss. It was only fair. The boy nodded- he still did care for James's wellbeing, and he knew the boy would never ask for more.

James gave out a fraction of a smile before arising in front of his ex. In his eyes was purely love like it had always been and always will be, while Kendall had little but pity and guilt with only a quarter of James's unadulterated love. But that was enough for James to hold on to for all eternity, he decided, as he so slowly put his hands on Kendall's waist and the latter brought his hands to tangle in his hair like almost every kiss they had shared. The kiss was slow; James was savoring every millisecond he could feel _Kendall._ Whereas, Kendall was also treasuring his last kiss with his first love.

When they pulled away, the blonde couldn't help but brush away the few tears at James's cheeks, only making him pull back.

"Thank you, Kendall." He whispered, not trusting his voice.

"Sure, James." Kendall knew to leave after that; his ex was trying so hard not to sob, and so was he, though he was better at hiding it. He just wished James would _see it_! See that inside he was screaming, _No, please no. _and he didn't want this. He only wanted to see if James loved him, it started out as only a test, but how could he screw with James by telling him this? No, it had to be better if James believed him, otherwise James would always feel embarrassed and self-conscious around him.

James broke down, running into the bathroom and locking the door behind him as soon as Kendall was out. He pulled out a pen and paper, blinded by tears as he tried to hold back his sobs and quivering so he could write, write faster, be done, make it go away, away, _away._ He didn't _want_ to die, but without Kendall he would only feel pain. He knew how bad it was without Kendall, and he could never survive again knowing what he had lost.

So with that in mind, after a few minutes he put his note to his soulmate down on the counter.

He somewhat happily found his old cutting razor at the bottom of his hair supplies.

He took off the protection on it, tapping the tip to his lips lightly.

He slowly, gently, _roughly_, brought it across his arm, smiling as his pain was relieved only a bit.

He brought the blade lower, and lower, and lower.

He repeated with the other arm, lower, lower, lower.

"Kendall." He sighed, sinking to the floor.

He closed his eyes.

They never opened again.

_**Later**_

_Dear Kendall, Kenny, Love, Puppy, Soul mate,_

_I love you. Now, then, forever. You'll always be in my heart, and I hope I'm always in yours. I miss you so much, Kendall. Don't be sad, please. I promise it's not your fault. It's my own choice, and it's the natural order I guess. Before you kissed me for the first time I was planning on this- you just prolonged my life for a few years._

_Thank you for that._

_Thank you for being there for me, always. Even as we just broke up you let me have that kiss- you're such a great friend, Kendall._

_I know you don't love me anymore, but since I was your first love, I hope you care about what I'm writing to you. _

_Tell Carlos, Logan, Momma Knight, Katie, Kelly, Gustavo, and everyone else that I love them._

_I know I'm gonna be in hell, Kenny, but I got my last kiss so it's all that matters. Nothing even matters (smile, puppy), except that. And I'll always know the times we had and cherish them all. _

_I do wish things were different. I don't really want to die, but it's the only way I know how to stop the hurt. I wish we could be together forever, but I'm doing this so you can be with someone else and be happy. I would always keep you from finding someone- I'm too possessive. _

_My last requests? (Please smile)_

_Tell Logie I hope he becomes a doctor, and he can save someone like me. He's such a nerd, but I love him and he's one of the best. I still remember meeting him that day- we grew up, huh little Logie?_

_And my Carlitos. Don't you be sad or cry too much, alright? I love you, Carlos. You always did make me happy, and all our plans were epic. Please, stay the same forever. You're such a good person. _

_Mrs. Knight, I'm forever grateful about all you've done for us, and how well you accepted Kendall and me. I love you like my mom._

_Katie- one less annoying big brother? No? I'll miss you too kid. Love you. Keep your brother in check._

_I want my Kendall to say anything at my funeral. Please, don't forget me Kendall. Not you. Please remember to come put flowers or talk to me sometimes. Please, not even every month- how about just on my birthday? I don't wanna be alone on my birthday. Don't forget all about me, Kendall, cause that's not fair. I love you enough for the both of us, my special little blonde. _

_I'm sorry, Kendall. I'm just scared. I want it to end, but I don't wanna hurt you. I hope you can be happy. I'm sorry this is long, it probably just hurts you more, but I'm scared. I wanted to be famous and to be remembered. I wanted a life with you, but that's okay. It is. I want you to be happy more. _

_So, obviously all my stuff goes to Kendall. I just want the engagement ring you were hiding in your sock drawer on me when I'm buried (You are the worst at hiding things). Also, a picture of you, and then one of everyone so I never forget your faces. And a shirt from you, so I'll always have your smell down there._

_So, here goes nothing. This is why you're the brave one._

_I love you all, with all my heart. _

_Kendall, don't be sad. I don't want that. I love you. _

_Yours Forever,_

_Jamie_

_PS, I always loved that nickname, Kendall. It was my only secret from you._

_**A year later**_

"Hi Kendall." Logan said quietly. Carlos was holding his hand, crying next to him as they kneeled.

"Hi James." Carlos said to the boy next to him.

"We miss you guys." They said in union, only making Carlos cry more as he remembered how they always used to speak together.

"James, I'm trying to be happy like you wanted. But here, I can't." Carlos cried, putting down twelve roses on James's grave, and twelve on Kendall's. The boy also took his life a month after James left. He could not live without James by his side.

"It's alright, he would understand." Logan soothed, though it was not too useful since he was crying as well. "Kendall is making him smile right now, even though he's watching us cry. Kendall is keeping _him_ happy." Carlos nodded rapidly, knowing the blonde.

"And secretly Kendall is crying, but he has to stay strong like always." Carlos continued. They did this each time they came together; it helped them a lot.

"Which is making James roll his eyes, but Kendall gives him a sad smile, and then they're okay." They finished the last bit together, looking up and waving.

They never discussed the chance of them being in hell. It could not happen.

Meanwhile, Kendall was holding James in is arms, them both crying slightly at seeing their friends they longed to be with. More than anything, James and Kendall wished to live again.

**A/N: So, how was it? I'm curious; I don't like writing or reading angst because I cry too much, lol. I tried to make it happy in the end, but failed. If you comment, thanks! If not, thanks for reading:'(**


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